Me and My Broken Heart

So... It's Monday. It's been a while. Not got much better to do. How about a blog?
(PS It's not all moaning, I'm just illustrating my point)

I normally shroud the details of my life in vague statements like "something good happened" or whatever, but I think this post needs the details in order for you to appreciate what I am saying.

Ten days ago, I had open heart surgery. I won't get too gory, but they had to cut through my muscles and break my chest bone all the way down the middle. I am on painkillers 8 times a day and it usually still hurts. I have to wear this brace thing that resembles a corset but at least feels slightly more comfortable. I can't move my arms properly, to bend or reach, and cannot support any weight with them. I am writing this on a fairly small laptop but I am not allowed to pick it up for myself.

There are many practical consequences to this. I can't dress myself. On a good night I wake up 3-4 times and have about a 50% success rate of getting out of bed without help. Last night I went to the toilet and then couldn't pick up my trousers. Anything I drop on the floor, stays on the floor. I can't cut up my own food. In fact I usually can't even carry my own plate.

Aside from the muscle and bone issues, there's the fact that my heart itself is very sore and weak. After I do anything, the tiniest thing, I have to rest. Walking upstairs is the most strenuous thing I can do at the moment. It requires a stop in the middle and a ten-minute lie down to recover. I also have to wear sticky, itchy dressings over my wound that pull my skin if I stand too straight. I can have a shower every 4 days and a bath in 3 months' time.


On the other hand, I have just moved in with the man of my dreams. He is kind, gentle, patient and, most importantly, pursues God with a passion. He has a nice little house for me to live in, a car to take me places and enough wages that I don't have to panic about getting a job as soon as I'm better. We spend time together and just enjoy each other's company. He doesn't mind that I haven't worked out how to hug him yet and he has to be my carer for a while. We are getting married in 5 weeks and I couldn't be happier about it. He is fast becoming one of my best friends.


Two very different sets of circumstances and emotions, both happening together. It's a bit confusing. But the thing I've come to realise is, no matter what the circumstances, God is the same in all of them. God is here in my marriage and my happiness, but he is also here in my pain and, eventually, my healing. I have a lot to be thankful for, even if some of it feels difficult at the moment.

Unshakeable

So. Long time no see. I've decided to start the blog back up again today but I don't really know what to say.

I am tired, very tired. A lot has been happening in my life, too much to go into now, but a long-standing feature is that I am very, very tired.

I am learning to rely on God a lot. My life feels quite messy at the moment but He knows what He is doing. Amongst all the exhaustion and things not going to plan, He is giving me His peace. And teaching me patience. I'm having a hard job learning that lesson, but we're getting there.

There is a lot of good stuff happening in my life too. A lot. Somehow it's easier to praise God for the good bits than the difficult bits. Funny how that works. But I know He is with me in the hard times and He is working in all this for some greater purpose.

I don't really have anything inspirational to say today. Life is hard and a lot of the time I feel like I am struggling to stay afloat. But God is the same God and He is still there.

You can shake my faith but you will not shake my God.

Why I Hate Religion, But Love Jesus

Not my words today. Saw this at church and was inspired to share. 
(If you prefer to read rather than watch, the lyrics are below.)

What if I told you, Jesus came to abolish religion?

What if I told you getting you to vote republican, really wasn’t his mission?

Because republican doesn’t automatically mean Christian,

And just because you call some people blind, doesn’t automatically give you vision.

If religion is so great, why has it started so many wars?

Why does it build huge churches, but fails to feed the poor?

Tells single moms God doesn’t love them if they’ve ever been divorced

Yet God in the Old Testament actually calls the religious people whores

Religion preaches grace, but another thing they practice,

Tend to ridicule Gods people, they did it to John the Baptist,

Cant fix their problems, so they try to mask it,

Not realizing that’s just like sprayin perfume on a casket

Because the problem with religion is that it never gets to the core,

It’s just behavior modification, like a long list of chores.

Let’s dress up the outside, make things look nice and neat,

Its funny that’s what they do to mummies, while the corpse rots underneath,

Now I ain’t judging I’m just saying be careful of putting on a fake look,

Because there’s a problem if people only know that you’re a Christian by that little section on your facebook

In every other aspect of life you know that logics unworthy

Its like saying you play for the lakers just because you bought a jersey

But see I played this game too; no one seemed to be on to me,

I was acting like church kid, while addicted to pornography.

I’d go to church on Sunday, but on saturday getting faded,

Acting as if I was simply created to have sex and get wasted.

Spend my whole life putting on this façade of neatness,

But now that I know Jesus, I boast in my weakness.

If grace is water, then the church should be an ocean,

Cuz its not a museum for good people, it’s a hospital for the broken

I no longer have to hide my failures I don’t have to hide my sin,

Because my salvation doesn’t depend on me, it depends on him.

because when I was Gods enemy and certainly not a fan,

God looked down on me and said, “I want that man!”

Which is so different from religious people, and why Jesus called em fools

Don’t you see hes so much better than just following some rules?

Now let me clarify, I love the church, I love the bible, and I believe in sin

But my question, is if Jesus were here today, would your church let Him in?

Remember He was called a drunkard and a glutton by  “religious men”

The Son of God not supported self-righteousness, not now, not then.

Now back to the topic, one thing I think is vital to mention,

How Jesus and religion are on opposite spectrums,

One is the work of God one is a man made invention,

One is the cure and one is the infection.

Because Religion says do, Jesus says done.

Religion says slave, Jesus says son,

Religion puts you in shackles but Jesus sets you free.

Religion makes you blind, but Jesus lets you see.

This is what makes religion and Jesus two different clans,

Religion is man searching for God, but Christianity is God searching for man.

Which is why salvation is freely mine, forgiveness is my own,

Not based on my efforts, but Christ’s obedience alone.

Because he took the crown of thorns, and blood that dripped down his face

He took what we all deserved, that’s why we call it grace.

While being murdered he yelled “father forgive them, they know not what they do”,

Because when he was dangling on that cross, he was thinking of you

He paid for all your sin, and then buried it in the tomb,

Which is why im kneeling at the cross now saying come on there’s room

So know I hate religion, in fact I literally resent it,

Because when Jesus cried It is finished, I believe He meant it.

What Have You Done Today To Make You Feel Proud?

This song is stuck in my head so I'm gonna roll with it and take it as my inspiration today.

What have you done today to make you feel proud?

Well actually all I've done so far today is got out of bed and got dressed. And then sat back in bed again. That is not particularly praise-worthy, in my opinion.

Yesterday was Half Marathon day, with people running all through the town and even more people lining the streets to watch. So I got up yesterday to the sound of clapping and cheering and with motivational music buzzing in the background. I got out of bed and people whooped, I showered with 'Eye of the Tiger' to encourage me, I got out of the shower and everybody cheered again. Sure did make me feel good.

Now I know they weren't really cheering me on in my daily routine, but it got me thinking... There isn't a crowd of people watching my every move, but God is. And if I could hear him better, I think he would be cheering too. Because I am his daughter, in whom he delights.

A baby's first steps are amazing, even if they fall down two seconds later. I don't think I have to do anything in order for God to love me. I know that I can't do anything to make that love increase. Or decrease. But I think that even when I take the tiniest step along the path he laid out for me, God turns round to Jesus and Holy Spirit, smiles and says,
"Look what we made."

What have you done today to make God proud?

Nothing. And you don't have to.

Inconsistency

I've been a bit inconsistent with my blog posts lately. In fact, I've been inconsistent with a lot of things lately. Although a lot of things have happened that are good, I have a tendency to focus on the negative and so it would be much easier to reel off a list of all the bad things that have happened and thus use them as an excuse for my inconsistency.

But I'm not going to do that. Today I am making a choice to look more at the good side of life. That even if some things are not going the way I would like, that's not going to drive how I feel any more. Because what you think about is a choice.

In the words of I can't remember who:

You can't stop a bird landing on your head,

but you can stop it making a nest in your hair.

I know that the negative thoughts are still going to pop into my brain. I know that will probably happen a lot at first. But I'm going to choose not to dwell on them. Because generally that doesn't help the situation, it just ends up making you feel worse. These thoughts are not going to be the boss of me any more.

I know I'm still going to be inconsistent. I know there will be days when making that choice will be harder than others. At first I may fail more than I succeed. But I'm still going to try. And I won't be doing it alone.

Because do you know who is not inconsistent?
God.
God is more consistent than people or mountains or even the entire universe. Because he was there before it and he will be there after it and in all that time he never changes. And I know that when I'm wobbling, I can always lean on him. And he will be there, my rock and my foundation, no matter what.

Broken Promises and a Love That Overcomes

Have you ever broken a promise? I have, lots of times. Once, for a sponsored silence, I vowed not to speak for fifteen hours a day for four days. (Most of the other nine hours were when I was asleep.) I broke it on the third day, because someone on the TV said something I didn't agree with. I was alone at the time, so nobody else needed to know, but I knew. I was so frustrated with myself because there had been no reason for me to speak, but I had slipped up because my guard was down. When I was least expecting it, I failed.

We all slip up from time to time. Sometimes it's a deliberate act, often it's just a result of letting our guard down. We get lost in a moment of anger or passion or fear or just plain thoughtlessness. Before we know it, our promises are broken. And even if there was no one else there to see what we did, that doesn't change the fact that we failed.

And as you go a little further into your guilt trip, you realise that even if you thought no one saw you, there is actually Someone who sees everything. And, inconveniently, that someone isn't just as flawed as you, enabling you to appeal to their equal fear of guilt and therefore beg them to see you less harshly. Instead, that Someone is actually perfect and never breaks their promises. It's even worse than flunking a science test and being caught by Stephen Hawking.

I was meant to be writing about Valentine's Day. I guess, in a way, that I am. Because even though God, who is perfect and never makes mistakes, sees us and every little crack and stumble of failure, he chooses to forgive us. Not just by an act of saying "Oh well, never mind then," but by taking all our guilt and broken promises upon himself and suffering the punishment in our place. The world throws all sorts of ideas at us about what love means, but I think they'd be hard pushed to find a better definition than that.

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."

(John 3:16)

"Man knows no greater love than this: that he lay down his life for his friends."

(John 15:13)

Why run dry when you're by the Pacific?

Can't think of anything to write today. Blog has not been going smoothly this year. Seems my inspiration has run dry. As dry as an empty bucket on desert sand.

EXCEPT.

What I often fail to realise is the sand I am on is not the desert, but the beach. And instead of waiting for my bucket to fill itself, I could switch my focus and roll a short distance into the Ocean.

The ocean I am referring to in this analogy is God. He is the living water that does not run dry. He can restore me when I am empty. He is the source of my inspiration and gives me the strength to carry on. I do not have to fill my bucket myself. I can simply ask him and it will overflow.

According to Wikipedia,

"The volume of the Pacific Ocean, representing about 50.1 percent of the world's oceanic water, has been estimated at some 714 million cubic kilometers."

God is even more abundant than the ocean. He has an endless supply of water available to all of us who ask for it. So why sit on the beach?