Gifts (Part 2)

Good morning and welcome to the last blog post of the year. Last week I talked about Jesus, the biggest, most incredible gift ever given. This week, I am thinking in more recent terms. I am called to reflect on what 2013 has brought me. And it doesn't take long to realise that God has given me a lot of good things this year.

I don't mean material things, of course, though I did get a rather good haul of Christmas and birthday presents this year. Chiefly, I mean people. A lot of amazing people have come into my life, people I didn't know at all. And there have been quite a few people I already knew, who have come to play a bigger part than they had before. And each one has touched my life and made a lasting positive impact on me and the way I view the world. Thank you all for being such a wonderful blessing.

I have a job and a home and a family that I love. I have unprecedented good health. I have places I can sing and, through this blog and the other thing I do, places I can write. I am developing the talents I always wanted to work on, and discovering new ones I didn't even know I had. I am learning more about what it means to be me.

But that's not all. God has given me a lot of other, less tangible things as well. At the end of the year, I realise I have travelled a long way on my emotional and spiritual journey. Though I still have far to go, I can sit back for a second and see how far I've come. This year has seen the beginnings of a transformation.

So as I take a moment now to be still and count my blessings, I encourage you to do the same. Maybe you will find this easy, but maybe you won't. Maybe 2013 has not been a good year for you. Maybe you have lost things you used to have, or not received things you had hoped to receive. But no year is without good points. Take time to appreciate what God has given you. And thank him.

Gifts (Part 1)

Okay, I'm just going to come out and say it:

Christmas is all about GIFTS.

That's right, presents. Not about giving presents but receiving them. As selfish and materialistic as that may sound, it's the truth. At Christmas we celebrate gifts.

Or at least, Christmas is all about one particular gift.

For to us a child is born,

    to us a son is given,

    and the government will be on his shoulders.

And he will be called

    Wonderful Counsellor, Mighty God,

    Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

(Isaiah 9:6)

I'm talking of course about the gift sent down to us just over two thousand years ago. The gift of our Lord Jesus Christ. I'd just like to take a moment to remind you all of that, to take a pause myself to give thanks for that which was given to me. A reconciliation with the Father and the chance to be adopted and accepted as a child of God.

Now that's a pretty neat present.

At the End of the Day

Just to throw everybody off kilter, I'm writing this post in the evening instead of the morning. And at the end of the day, what have I got to show for it?

I have glitter stuck to my jeans, I've figured out how to change the settings on our Christmas lights, and I've consumed a good helping of chocolate cake. But most of all, what I've learned is this:

You can't know what the day will bring until you reach the end of it.

I've had a day that started pretty badly, got worse, got worse again, was given up for lost by the time I had my breakfast, then dramatically got better and better until it became one of the best days I've had in a long time.

This morning I woke up tired. There was no milk for breakfast. So I went to the shop. When I got back from the shop I had milk, but no time to eat my cereal. Then on the way to work it started to rain. And I didn't have my coat. And when we got off the bus it rained harder. I was not impressed.

So I started my day not a happy bunny. But then all sorts of wonderful things happened. A birthday, with corresponding cake. I breakthrough or two at work. Glitter. Singing. Emotional moments. Catching the bus at the last minute. Successful shopping. Chocolate. A fabulous dinner cooked for me. Chilling with friends. Present wrapping. Sparkly Christmas tree.

All this in a day that I thought would be a bad one. By nine o'clock I was in a grump and not expecting anything to lift my mood. But it seems I was quite wrong. The moral of the story: Never assume what the future will bring. There is no guarantee that your bad day will continue to be bad. 

Look forward with expectation instead of dread. Tomorrow is a brand new day.

The Long Walk To Freedom

First off, I'd like to pay my respects to Nelson Mandela. I don't fully know or understand the lengths to which he went to secure freedom for his people. But I do know that he was one man who radically changed the world for the better, fighting again and again for justice, truth and grace.

Now he is in a place where there is no imprisonment, pain or injustice. Where sickness cannot damage the body, and people no longer hurt one another. Where all who know the Way are welcomed in regardless of race, social standing or wealth. 
Now he is truly free.

I Have A Black Puppy

Ok so I'm cheating again. This is a Here's One I Made Earlier. I'm writing this on Sunday because I think on Monday morning I will need my sleep. In six months, this is the first time I have done this.

A few months ago, a friend introduced me to this very cool video of a book called I Had A Black Dog, which describes very well what it is like to live with depression. That is what I am going to talk about today. It's a topic I have largely avoided on this blog, but now seems the right time to tell you where I have come from.

Ten years ago, I had a very large black dog. He dominated all of my life. I couldn't do anything or go anywhere without the black dog going with me. He squashed me down until I couldn't remember who I was any more. There was no me without the blackness.

I stopped going to school and just stayed at home in bed all the time. I picked up some unhelpful coping strategies which - if I'm honest - only made things worse. It was like I had fallen into a big black pit that I couldn't climb out of. It all seemed hopeless and I considered taking my own life.

Then I met Jesus. And everything changed. Not straight away in some miraculous, instantaneous transformation. But gradually, over the next couple of years, the black dog got smaller and smaller and began to leave me alone for longer and longer periods of time. I found I could hold my head up again, begin to think about the future. That not everything was black and grey all around me. There were colours and sunshine. I remembered what 'happy' was.

Now I have to admit, it's not all plain sailing. The black dog still visits me from time to time, nibbling at my ankles and growling dark thoughts into my brain. But he's no longer the fearsome beast he once was. He's more like a puppy, jumping up to get your attention, but not yet big enough to push you over. And I'm learning not to feed him.

I think I will probably always have a black puppy. I grew up with him and the bad habits in my thought patterns are hard to kick. But I know it will never engulf me like it did before. And whenever I feel like I'm drowning in the sea of depression, I know I have a Lifesaver there ready to pull me out. God's hands will lift me to the stars.

My Lighthouse

I have a song that popped up in my head this morning, so I'm going to take that as my inspiration. It's My Lighthouse by Rend Collective Experiment. Basically the gist of it is that God is like a lighthouse.

Huh? I didn't get it at first either.

Well, what does a lighthouse do? It shines out in the darkness. It tells the ships where to go. It keeps people safe from rocks and hidden dangers.

God is our light in this darkened world. He shows us the path and guides us safely through the troubles and dangers of this life. Even from the things we cannot see coming.

Next time I am tempted not to follow God, I will think about the lighthouse. Many a sailor would look into the sea around a lighthouse and think the water perfectly safe. He could easily choose to ignore the warning of the light. And where would that get him?

When God directs our paths, He doesn't do it just to be annoying or stop us getting what we want. He does it to keep us safe. He does it because He loves us.

Therefore:

I won't fear what tomorrow brings

With each morning I'll rise and sing

My God's love will lead me through

You are the peace in my troubled sea

You are the peace in my troubled sea

Couldn't Have Said It Better Myself. (So I Didn't)

I'm cheating a little bit today by taking the bulk of my post from someone else's words. I've borrowed a bit from this pretty cool book that I still need to get round to finishing reading. But this is a bit I have read several times.

Do not worry

25 ‘Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[a]?

28 ‘And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labour or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendour was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you – you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, “What shall we eat?” or “What shall we drink?” or “What shall we wear?” 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

(From Matthew 6)

Our Heavenly Father knows about our worries. And He cares for us enough to give us what we need and more. He is trustworthy and reliable. So let us not get caught up in the worries of this life, but instead push forth to seek God and advance His kingdom. He's got your back. So stop thinking and start doing.

When in Peril, Call for Daddy

It's 4am. I have just woken up from the creepiest dream I've had in a long time. I'm so shaky I'm considering writing this in a different font. But since I can't sleep and it's Monday, I'm going to be spiritual about it.

So here's what happened...

I'm at home at my parents' house and it's somewhere between 11pm and midnight. My father and my friend are there upstairs. My friend is drinking iced tea made with orange squash, but that's irrelevant. I've just had a call from my mum, saying she'll be home soon and she won't wear her pyjamas to school with me tomorrow.

Then there's a knocking sound.

'That could be Mum coming home,' I think, so I head downstairs and open the door. But the person standing in front of me is not my mother. He looks like the kind of guy who might deliver you a parcel in an American film, except this is the back door and it's pitch black outside.

And a moment of panic hits me as I stare at this man, who is grinning manically at me. 'This is the back door,' I think. 'Only a crazy guy would be determined enough to climb over the fence and through the bushes into my back garden.'

Then there's a few horrible seconds while both of us pull on the door and it swings backwards and forwards but will not close.
"What's the matter?" he says, laughing, "Don't you want to let me in?"

And I am utterly terrified. This man is stronger than me and is going to win the struggle and force his way into the house and murder me. Without really thinking more than the knowledge that I am helpless, I scream "DADDY!!!"

Except that the word sticks in my throat and comes out barely above a whisper and I know he won't hear it and he won't come to my rescue. And I open my mouth to scream again but my lungs close up and I can't make a sound and I know I'm going to die. And that's when I wake up, unable to breathe.

Amazed, Again, By Grace

God is pretty neat. He can make stars and part the seas and bring the dead to life and a whole bunch of cool stuff like that. He is big and strong and powerful. The Creator of the Universe. The Great I Am.
And yet He cares about the small things.

People, by comparison, are pretty messy. They break promises, hurt one another, and generally fail at a lot of things. They are selfish and weak. Every one of us falls short of our own expectations, the way we wish we were.
And yet we matter to God.

I think sometimes in all the modern "I am a friend of Jesus" stuff, we forget the awesomeness of that. Yes, by grace we are forgiven and counted among the sons of God, as co-inheritors with Christ. Yes, we are his Saints, called to bring his light to the world and be his hands and feet on earth. But only because He made it that way.

God chose to love me and forgive me. Not because He had to. Not because I'm not that bad. But because in His essence He is love and grace.

I'm going to take a moment now to thank my Lord and Saviour for everything He has done for me. I'm not going to gloss over the details of how messy I am and how pure He is. Instead, I'm going to appreciate that. It makes what He did even more amazing.

Thank You Lord.

When You Walk Through A Storm

So... apparently my part of England is being savaged by a storm at the moment. I wouldn't know, because I'm still safely tucked up in bed. But it sure sounds windy outside.

And as I'm sitting in my little bubble, I'm thinking about how storms in life come in many different shapes and sizes. Some are in the form of weather, and can be mostly avoided by hiding in your room until it's passed, but others are harder to get away from. There can be all sorts of unexpected situations that suddenly pop up and blow us away.

That's the funny thing about it. Until Saturday, unless the weathermen were keeping it a secret, nobody knew this storm was coming. A lump of cloud down near America got caught by a freak current and whooshed off to our side of the world. Or that's how I understand it, at least.

Sometimes it happens like that. You can be sailing along quite happily through a perfectly normal week and then BOOM, the storm hits. It could be a routine hospital appointment, an unexpected phone call, a letter from the bank. And suddenly your life is thrown into chaos.

So what can you do, to prepare for a storm that you don't know is coming?
And when the storm hits, how do you ensure you come out the other side as quickly and safely as possible?

When I'm faced with things I can't do myself, I try to look for someone who can. For example, I don't have a driving license. Or a car. Or a bike. So if I want to go somewhere more than a couple of miles away, I have to rely on someone else to get me there.

Similarly, when a storm hits my life, or the life of someone close to me, there's often very little I can do about it. So I look for someone who can. I heard about this guy who calmed a storm once. I reckon he might be worth a call.

That's what I do anyway. 
When I'm battered by the hurricanes of life, I lean on Jesus. 
I find he usually gets me through.

What Am I Doing With My Life?

So this is my 20th blog post. That's pretty cool.
Maybe when I'm a bit more awake I'll feel excited about that.

It's been a bit of a manic week this week, with unexpected things happening left right and centre. The sort of week that makes you question who you are and where you're going and what it's all about. In short, 
"What am I doing with my life?"

Conveniently, I already asked God this very question when I was on holiday in August.

The thing is, in life, we tend to get very busy very quickly. At that time I had a lot of different projects going on. A range of things that I was doing for myself, for other people or for God. And I'd got so caught up in doing all these things that I'd lost sight of the bigger picture. I couldn't remember why I was doing any of it any more or where I was going.

So I sat down, on the last day of camp, and asked God,
"What is it that You want me to do with my life? Which of these projects do You want me to pursue? Which, if any of them, is my Calling?"
(Your Calling being The Thing that your life is For)

And His response surprised me:

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart,

with all your soul and with all your mind.

Love your neighbour as yourself.

Do this, and the rest will follow."

That's it. That is all I have to do. Just love.

At this point I think I need to clarify what loving means. Love is not just sitting around gazing into space and experiencing warm fluffy feelings. It's not even sitting there spouting reams of beautiful poetry about your love (though that wouldn't go amiss). Love is a verb in the strongest sense. It is not an emotional state but an active, effort-requiring, get-up-and-do-things verb. Sometimes loving God means putting your own desires second. Sometimes loving people, forgiving the brokenness, trying again, is hard work. Love is not easy. But it is what is required of us.

Sometimes, we get lost in the busyness of life. We forget the purpose of it all. But Jesus was clear what the greatest commandment was.

In my life, I have two jobs:

1. Love God
2. Love people

Because in the end, that's what everything boils down to.

Waiting for Sunrise

I am so tired this morning. I can barely keep my eyes open. It didn't help that I had to wake up when it was still dark outside. I hate that feeling, in winter, when you get up in the dark and you come home in the dark and it feels like you might never see the sun again. Especially at the beginning, when the memories of the summer are still fresh in your mind and they seem a long way off from returning.

I feel like that spiritually at the moment, as well. A few months ago, everything was going swimmingly. I was on fire for God and we were doing amazing things together and it felt like we were unstoppable. And then it stopped. Not stopped altogether, but the deluge of great stuff has dried up a lot. Things just aren't running as smoothly as they were.

It's tempting to fear, when we're stuck in dark times, that the sun might never come back. What if it stays winter forever? What if I have to stay blundering about like this for the rest of my life? What if this is as good as it's ever going to get? Then we may as well give up now. If the problem you are struggling with will never be resolved, if the project you're working on will never be restored, what's the use in persevering?

But contrary to popular belief, that's not how are universe works. The planets spin and revolve around the sun at a more or less constant rate, and have been doing so for a very long time. Therefore it is reasonable to assume that they will continue to do so. Night will become day and winter will turn into summer. We just have to be patient.

Sometimes, waiting for God to answer our prayers is hard. Sometimes, we call out to him in the dead of night, and it is hard to trust that the morning will come. But it will. Our God does not disappoint and His love never fails.

In the words of Les Miserables,
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise.

There's No Me Without Me (And Other Uncomfortable Truths)

You know sometimes, when someone is really annoying you, you just want to spend a few days as far away from them as possible, not talking to or thinking about them at all, until you get over how annoying they are? That's how I felt about myself last night.

I can be really irritating. It's part of my bubbly personality that I can grate on people after a while. But that wasn't what was bugging me last night. It was the fact that I know one thing to be true, but act as if it's the opposite. I know what I want to do and think but that's not how my thoughts and actions turn out. Most of all, I am a massive hypocrite.

Here is a list of things I believe, that shape how I feel and act towards other people:

• All people are made by God, in His image, and therefore have intrinsic value.
• All people are special in their own unique way, according to how God has made them.
• No person is any more important or any less important than anyone else.
• All people make mistakes. But God has forgiven them, so I should too.
• All people are known and loved by God, who is the only person capable of deciding if they are worth it.

But it seems to be one rule for me and another for everyone else. Why is it that I so easily see the best in others, but the worst in myself? If I truly believe those things to be true, why can't I apply them to myself?

My lack of self-belief was what was annoying me last night. But I hereby make a declaration that the following things are true:

• I am made by God, in His image, and therefore have intrinsic value.
• I am special in my own unique way, according to how God has made me.
• I am no more important, but also no less important than anyone else.
• I make mistakes. But God has forgiven me, so I should too.
• I am known and loved by God, who is the only person capable of deciding if I am worth it.

Yes I know it's important to be humble and have a realistic idea of your faults, in order to improve yourself and so on. But it is equally wrong to have an overly negative view of yourself. The enemy would have us believe we are worth less than other people, and somehow less important to God. But He made the Heavens and the Earth and everything in it. He created the sunset, the tulips, and you.

Here is a list of truths about you:

• YOU are made by God, in His image, and therefore have intrinsic value.
• YOU are special in your own unique way, according to how God has made you.
• YOU are no more important, but also no less important than anyone else.
• YOU make mistakes. But God has forgiven you, so you should too.
• YOU are known and loved by God, who is the only person capable of deciding if you are worth it.

Self-hatred is not humility. It is disapproving of this cool thing that God has made. He thinks you are pretty awesome. Who are you to disagree?

Brain, Brain, Where Have You Gone?

Something I could do today
Is write this post in verse
But trying to make things rhyme, they say
Just goes from bad to worse

For after hearse, adverse and purse
I could run out of words
And thus be left here with the curse
Of birds and curds and surds

So in fact I'll try to stop
If that is possible
And start the post now from the top
Instead in prose(-ible)
....................................................................................

As you may be able to tell, my mind is not really focussed this morning. It would rather be off writing poetry, or making up stories, or in fact just back in bed. And I'm running out of time in which to call it back into action. I'm far too busy to daydream.

I have a pretty good brain, when it decides to work, and I'm rather pleased with that. There are lots of compliments that I'll quibble with, but 'intelligent' is a name I'll accept. I am intelligent. I may act stupid sometimes, as we all do, but there's no denying I have a very juicy brain.

So where is my brain today, then, when I need it to be intelligent on demand? I stared at this blank page for at least half an hour before I got any inspiration. And even then it was a poem. I rely a lot on my intelligence to write this blog, and when it fails me I feel a bit lost.

Hang on a second. Cast your mind back to June, when I created my first proper post. Who am I supposed to be relying on to write this blog?

It's easier to rely on God for the things I can't do by myself. It is easier to ask Him to make up for my inadequacies in the areas that I don't feel I am strong. But I am intelligent. Why would I need Him to support me in my cleverness? Surely I can do that without Him.

Sometimes the positive labels we give ourselves are just as bad as the negative ones. I am intelligent and I am fat. Those are two facts about me, but neither of them define who I am. Let's not forget that our true identity comes not from our strengths or our weaknesses. Our true identity is who we are in Christ.

I am a lot of things. But first and foremost, I am a forgiven child of God.

Older And Wiser, But Still Living On A Prayer

I suppose I should kick off this post with the fact that yesterday was my birthday. Hooray for me! And I had a lovely day, thankyou for asking.

I have to admit that being older has not necessarily made me more sensible. I started my birthday with midnight cake and ended up staying up til 4:30am. Consequently, I'm pretty tired today (even though I ended the day with a much earlier night).

Thinking back to a year ago, however, I realise that I have grown up a lot. A lot of things, predominantly good things, have happened in the past twelve months. God has moved me on a lot in my journey towards eternity.

And yet I just realised that every sentence in that paragraph involved the phrase "a lot". And I'm not sure how to punctuate that. My brain is clearly not at its best today. This is certainly not going to be the most well-written post I have ever made either.

So what vaguely inspiring, God-themed thoughts can I draw from the misty recesses of my mind this morning? That today, when my thoughts are foggy and I'm wondering how I'm going to drag myself out of bed, I'm aware of how much I rely on Him. 

The prayer I prayed when I woke up this morning went something along the lines of:
Dear God,
Somehow, please help me to make it through the day, without screwing everything up, and lead me safely back to bed as soon as possible.
Amen
Except I'm pretty sure the words I used were not nearly so coherent (good thing I was talking to a mind-reader).

When I'm not a sleep-deprived zombie, I have this bad habit of thinking I can manage. I hope by now you've noticed that I'm quite a good writer. So some mornings when I do my blog, I can confidently trot out an eloquent and intelligent post without too much effort. But today, when I'm struggling to string a sentence together, I realise how much I actually need God. He's not just a handy accessory to bring out on a Sunday morning, but the very reason I can continue to live and breathe. Whether I am in the mood to think that or not.

I am older than I've ever been before, and (believe it or not) much wiser than I was a year ago, but oh how I still need my God to see me through. I am truly, every day, living on a prayer.

I'm In Your Hands

King of love and grace
My Guardian
All my hopes and fears
Are in Your hands
I'm in Your hands

This week I have been talking a lot about the future. About my career plans and dreams of having a family. I've begun to firm up ideas on what I would like out of life, and that is scary. Because I am daring to hope.

Sometimes, when we want things to happen and we invest in our dreams, our hopes get dashed. But better that than to live without hope.

How can I have hope when things so often go wrong? I'll tell you. It's because of the God I rely on. It is in Him that I put my hope. And He does not disappoint.

"Oh yes he does!" I hear you say, "I've trusted God before and I didn't get what I was hoping for."
This is true. God does not always give us what we ask Him for. But:

Faith is not the belief that God will do what we want,

But the knowledge that He will do what is right.

In this post I am going to use two examples from my life at the moment: my house and my job. Both of these things were arranged for me by God, neither of them were what I had planned or expected, both of them have been far better than anything I had hoped for.

When I came back to my hometown, I had all these ideas of where I was going to live. I knew what I wanted, but I told God I trusted Him to sort it out. And lo and behold, every single one of my plans fell through. And, being human, I despaired. I railed at God, telling Him He didn't know what He was doing, asking Him how He was ever going to sort it out.

But then He did. Less than a week later, I found out about a couple of people I barely knew who were looking for a lodger. They were not on my plans list. They were not even on my friends list. But it was so clearly here that God planned for me to be. He chose not to follow my plans, but came up with His own. And who do you think has better ideas?

You go before me
You're there beside me
And if I wander
Love will find me
Goodness and mercy
Will always follow
You go before me
My Guardian

The second example is my job. I wasn't even looking for a new job when I saw this advert. But once I'd seen it, I knew I wanted it. It didn't fit in with my plans, but God prepared the way for me and it has been amazing, far better than anything I ever hoped for.

So I ask you this: 

What is it that you are hoping for? In whom do you put your hope?

Trusting yourself to sort things out is great until you mess it up. Trusting in God, however, will see you true. You may not get what you expect, but you will get what is best. Put yourself in God's hands, and let Him carry you to places beyond your imagination.

I Am Strong, When I Am On Your Shoulders

Well good morning to you from what is definitely the wrong side of 7am. But despite the earliness of the hour and the coldness of the night, you will be pleased to hear I am back to my usual sunny disposition. I no longer feel like I'm falling to pieces.

It's been a hectic week. Back to work (hence the 5:00 alarm I ignored this morning), a manic rehearsal schedule, two performances barely 12 hours apart, not to mention the thing that I'm not going to mention (yes, I did that for dramatic effect). 
And through it all, whether I wanted to talk to Him or not, God has been there.

I think that's the key difference between my struggles now and my struggles in the past. You can put it down to maturity, or better coping strategies, or a stronger support network, or whatever you like, really, but I know that it is the strength of God that gets me through.

All of that stuff helps, of course. I am hugely grateful to all my friends, both new and old, who have supported me in the past two weeks. But that is never going to be enough. If I leant wholly on you, I would only end up breaking your back as well as my own.

My brain is not really functioning this morning. By rights I should still be in bed. But I am trusting God to cobble together some sort of message from this series of random thoughts. Because I can't do it on my own. Sometimes I think I can manage, but I end up falling on my face. Today, at least, I am very aware of how much I need Him.

Yesterday in church I performed a signed song, and it is the words of that song that are on my mind this morning.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas
I am strong, when I am on Your shoulders
You raise me up, to more than I can be.

That's the fact of it. I couldn't be anything like the amazing, wonderful person that I am (oh yes, I know it today) without God raising me up to be that. It is in Him that I find my strength. I think it is good for me to go through troubled times, in order that I will rely more closely on Him.

But I wish it didn't have to be like that. I wish I were more obedient and less proud, so that I didn't think I could get by without Him in the good times. I know I need Him now, but how long will that last? How long before I feel secure and decide to step away? I am only human and that time will inevitably come. How great is His grace that He will catch me again, no matter how many times I fall.

If you are weak and broken, like I was last week, ask Him to come and restore you. The hands that crafted the universe are able (and willing!) to put you back together. No one, however desperate you may feel, is beyond repair.

If you are strong and standing tall, check what your feet are on. If you are on the rippled sand of the Good Times Beach Holiday, you will be soon washed away when the tide comes in. Instead, plant yourselves firmly on the unshakeable rock of Jesus Christ. In Him you will find true strength.

He has raised me up out of the dust, and from this vantage point that I can be and do things that I would not be capable of in my own strength. Long may I remember that it is in His power and might that I act.

Weak

made strong

by the Saviour's love.

Vulnerable

I don't want to talk to you today. I've been re-reading the past few weeks' posts and I think I'd forgotten that the things I write up here are publicised for all the world to see. I don't want you to see me today.

Several times yesterday, I let my guard slip and gave people a glimpse of the things I don't want to be seen. Because people think I am open and honest, but there are deeper, darker parts of me that I always keep hidden. Things that will never see the light of a blog. I think (I hope) that I am not the only one who feels like this, but I still don't want you to see.

Letting people, even just one person, see this raw inner part of me would make me extremely vulnerable. And to be vulnerable with someone requires trust. I do not trust people easily. And I often have good reason.

When people hurt us, repeatedly, we start to toughen up. We build up an armour around our hearts, to stop us getting hurt again. We curse ourselves for our vulnerability and resolve never to be that weak again. Even if we were powerless to stop it, we blame ourselves. Because somehow we feel responsible. We shouldn't have let the other person hurt us. We shouldn't have let them get too close.

So we end up walking around in these big, clunky, psychological suits of armour. We put up barriers between us and the rest of the world, so that no one has the chance to hurt us again. The deeper the wound, the thicker we build our shields.

But it gets lonely in that box. The world can't touch us, but we can't touch the world either. Being strong, being tough, can be very isolating. If only there was someone we could safely let inside the armour. Someone we could trust enough to let the barriers down.

If you trust people, they will let you down. That is an inevitable fact of life. No human is infallible and eventually they will end up hurting you. Some people are worth the risk, some are not. We can't always tell which is which.

But God, He will not let you down. He is infallible. This, too, is a fact of life, but one that seems harder to accept. Sometimes, even trusting God feels like too big a risk. If all the other people have rejected us, why should God be any different? Because He is God, that's why. The very nature of God is unconditional love and forgiveness.

A suit of armour, especially one made by inexpert and trembling hands, is extremely heavy. Carrying it around, day in, day out, to protect yourself from the rest of the world, is exhausting. When the burden of this gets too much, I tend to make bad choices of who to trust, resulting in more hurt and yet another layer of metal.

But what I'm gradually learning is that I don't need to carry around this shield any more. There is another way. If you surrender yourself, God will come and clothe you with His armour. If you open up to Him, show Him the wounds you don't want the rest of the world to see, He will wash them clean. There's nothing to fear from being vulnerable with God. He sees the deepest darkest heart of you and still overflows with love. Nothing you did, or anyone else did to you, can ever make Him reject you.

I challenge you, today, to be vulnerable.
Be brave, take a risk, and step out into the arms of God.
He will not let you fall.

A Wretch Like Me

Hello and welcome from a very celebratory little holiday. After a number of years' absence, I'm back at the New Wine/Soul Survivor/Momentum campus. And we are particularly celebrating because two days ago was my eighth re-birthday. In this place, on the 24th of August 2005, I gave myself over to the Lord and began my new life as a Christian. And that was an awesome day. What a great opportunity I've had this week to return to the site of that transformation and celebrate it again.

I was an emotional wreck at that time. My life had fallen apart to the extent that I could not imagine it being put back together. It was irredeemable. I spent most of the week here weeping. There was a lot of pain in me that needed to be dealt with, a lot of healing to be done. And boy was there healing. The Lord picked up the tiny fragments of me and began to seal them back together as only He can. And as that happened the tears I wept became tears of joy. Never before or since have I experienced such relief.

But life is a journey, and not everything was put right on that one day. Healing is most commonly a process and so my walk with God after that time continued to involve many a tear, many a desperate prayer for help. And He always answered me. Not always in the timing or the method that I expected, but always with gentleness, grace and love.

The path I followed in the coming years was not always the straight and narrow, but I always had God at least at the back of my mind. Sometimes I let Him lead me and sometimes I didn't, but wherever we went we went together.

And so I reached this point, eight years on, where I considered myself pretty sorted. I was preparing for this holiday to be a fun time to hang out with friends, learn about God, and do some dancing in the rain. I was expecting to be quite relaxed, since I was in a much better place than the first time I came.

If you'd asked me before this week, I'd have told you I was in a pretty good place. I mean, I was doing all the right things, and not too many of the wrong things. I must be a good and inspirational Christian because look at all the awesome things I'm doing for God. I even write a blog about it, for goodness sake. I have returned from my wanderings and set the record straight. Most of the major "issues" in my life had been sorted long ago and any lingering problems were really quite minor. Me and God were doing good, and life was pretty rosy.

So consequently I was expecting a nice, rational, relaxed experience with God this week. No more need for sobbing and arguing and difficult things, because all that was sorted.

How wrong I was. I was ashamed to realise on the first night that I am still an emotional wreck. Apparently I don't have it all together after all. Yes, the majority of the brokenness has been irrevocably fixed, but some of it still remains. I was embarrassed to still be such a mess in front of (and towards) people I like to think I am okay.

Because beneath it all I still want you to think I'm okay. Though I'm sure it was much more obvious to everyone else than it was to me, it was humbling to have to admit that I still have failings. Maybe you know more ways than I do that I am imperfect. I am sorry if those things have hurt you. But I had genuinely believed that things were pretty fine and dandy. Though I would never have voiced it, part of me wondered if I still needed God the way I did when we met.

How wrong I was. I'm still a mess. A big sobbing, hurting, sinful mess. There is a long way to go before I attain perfection.

But what I've come to realise this week is that that's okay. God knew what a mess I would become when He created me. He knew what a mess I was when He saved me. And He knows what a mess I still am today. And He loves that mess that is me. Not just the wonderful clean person He knows I will become in the end, but the messy, disobedient, not-yet-perfect that is me.

It is not the healthy that need a doctor, but the sick. And how terrible it is for the sick that think they are well. The ones that think they do not need the doctor but inside are consumed with infection. It's important, I think, to pop in for a check-up every now and then, just to be sure. There is not one of us who doesn't need Him.

To those of you who feel you are too ill to be in the doctor's presence, that He would look down on you and your germy, dirty soul, I say this: Nothing is incurable to the Healer of the world. He came for messes such as you, such as me. God so loved the world that He sent His one and only Son to rescue it. The whole world, not just the nice presentable bits but the messy bits as well. He loves you even in your mess.

If you are hurting and you need God's help, ask Him to come and heal you. He is always there waiting for you to say yes. To realise how much more there is He can give you.
If you are sorted and you don't need God, ask Him to come and heal you. He is always there waiting for you to wake up and see what He sees. To realise how much more there is He can give you.

God loves me in my mess. He sees past it to the daughter He created and cherishes. He loves me even when I think I don't need Him. He sees past it to the daughter He created and cherishes.

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me.

Whether I know it or not, I am a mess and I will continue to be a mess until I reach Heaven. But even within that, He reached out to me, and continues to reach out to me, to raise me up above the mess, and hold me in His arms. 
How amazing is that love.

I Don't Like Horses

I've had a bit of a strange week this week. The lovely Laura Robin filled in for me last Monday because I was on holiday. I was volunteering at a children's horseriding Bible camp. That sounds an odd mix but it worked really well. We spent the days at the stables, with lunchtime Bible studies and evening worship meetings and activities. The kids had a great time. For most of us, it was a holiday that combined all the best things in life. But not for me.

You see, the problem is... I don't like horses. Not just that they're smelly and I kind of got bored after a while, but I was absolutely genuinely terrified of them. Luckily I wasn't expected to ride one, but I didn't even want to go near the things.

Now don't get me wrong. I enjoyed every minute of the camp that didn't involve horses. Even some of the horse-filled minutes, once I got a bit braver and was willing to stroke their noses and groom them a little bit, were kind of fun. And the people, the people were all amazing and I loved being with them. But there is no way that I would choose to spend my holidays at a stable.

So what on earth was I doing there, I hear you ask. And rightly so. I wondered that a couple of times myself. It would take too long to explain the complicated chain of events that led to me working on a horseriding holiday, but the short version is this:

That's where God wanted me to be.

Another strange part of my week was church on Sunday morning. 
Now let me just explain something before I continue...
> How you know you've won a normal argument:
You get the outcome that is most convenient and of greatest benefit to you.
> How you know you've won an argument with another Christian:
You get the outcome that is least convenient to you and of greatest benefit to the other person.

So a Catholic, a Protestant and a Whatever-I-am decide to go to church together. And I totally won this argument. We ended up at a High Anglican church about an hour away from my house, complete with incense and sung responses. No offence meant to anybody, but it was weird. So totally different from the way I'm used to church being.

I must admit that, to most people, my church is the weird one. But it's what I'm used to. To me, it's normal. So when I went to this one yesterday morning, it felt strange. I mean, I knew God was still there and everything, but it was hard to... connect. I found it awkward doing church their way. I so much more enjoy worshipping my way.

But worship is not for me to enjoy. I mean, yes, God wants us to praise Him joyfully. And usually I do enjoy it. But that's not its purpose. Its purpose is to bring pleasure and glory to Him. It's not about whether we're using our preferred version of the liturgy, or if the music is in our favourite style. It's about Him.

So that brings me back to my original point. It's great when God asks us to do things that we want to do anyway. I love singing and so I love it that He's put me in a choir. But what about when He sent me to the stables? Can I turn round and say actually I don't want to follow Him there?

It's easy to de-spiritualise the tasks we don't want to do. God is in church and in the happy time I spent in the park, but is He in the hoovering and the stressful journey to work and in the children who wouldn't go to sleep til midnight? Of course He is. Your whole life is a service to the Lord, not just the things you choose to dedicate to Him. Go out and live your life as if every second of it is for Him. The washing up, the arduous report, whatever it may be. Because if we give our lives over to God, we mean all of it.

Maybe I don't like horses. But I love Jesus more.

I dare not trust the sweetest frame

Hi there! Helen has asked me to write today's inspiring blog as she is away. I realise now, faced with an empty page, how daunting this must be for her. I had intended to plan something to write yesterday but got a bit distracted by a romantic comedy-athon with my housemates! However I think this is for the best as I probably would've got carried away and written an essay and maybe not be as led by God as I should be. 

What I would like to share this morning are a few lines from a song 'Cornerstone' which is an old hymn that has been rewritten by Hillsong. It is a song that has been a great comfort to me this year as it's all about trusting God in the midst of trials and suffering.

I don’t feel at all qualified this morning I should say. After coming back from New Wine and some great teaching, I have felt under attack from the enemy this past week. It figures, you find yourself in a good place with God, he hates it and will do anything to drag you down. So he has been prodding me where it hurts and I have been fighting some unpleasant thoughts and feelings this week. One of the films my housemates and I were watching yesterday was ‘Bride Wars’ which is about two best friends competing to have a better wedding than the other, which causes a breakdown in their friendship. It is a ridiculous film but despite that, it actually made me feel quite bad watching it, as it showed me how ugly sin can be that sometimes we can turn against the ones we love because we feel insecure and unloved. I feel very sad for some of the thoughts and feelings that have invaded my heart this week because I was feeling vulnerable. In short, I feel very aware of my sin and feel unworthy to be writing a post to you this morning.

Well fortunately, it's all about Him. It's all about Jesus.

The first line of the song 'Cornerstone' is this:

My hope is built on nothing less

Than Jesus' blood and righteousness

He is my hope. He is why I can have integrity in writing to you this morning. It is entirely about what he does for us that makes the difference, specifically what he did by dying for us. It is why we can tell the devil to get lost! Another line from the song is this:

Weak made strong in the Saviour's love

For some bizarre reason we not only often as humans believe that we have to be perfect in order to come to God but also we need to continue to be 'good' to stay in his presence. NO! Jesus said to the Pharisees he came for the sick not for the healthy. The irony of this was the Pharisees didn't see was they were equally as sick and in need of God's love and forgiveness for their coldness of heart as the people they condemned as 'sinners'. What Jesus means is that it is those who know that they need God and who pursue Him who will be healed and helped. The weak are made strong in his love. 

The line I love best in the song is this:

I dare not trust the sweetest frame

But wholly trust in Jesus' name

I like it because the choice of the words 'sweetest frame' is surprising. It can be a subtle evil to trust in the good things in our life. The sweetest frames. A frame being something you lean on for support. Perhaps the love of a family member or friend. Or the kind affirming words someone has posted on your Facebook page. Or success in an area of your life. All good things but not where we should place our trust. We need to trust in Jesus as the one who affirms us because it is through him that we are made right before God. We especially need to not trust in our own efforts to be good enough.

Let me put all this in the context of how Jesus responded to one man. In John 5, Jesus comes across a man who has been sick for 38 years. Imagine that. As my study bible says about him: 'Hygiene and mobility were impossible and he likely begged for a living from people who came to use the pool. His situation seemed hopeless'. He is sitting beside the pool of Bethesda. It is a special pool that they believed had healing qualities (something about an angel coming every so often and stirring the water up and whoever could get in the pool quick enough was helped…) I don't know if it actually worked or not but the man is determined to try it still after 38 years so it makes me think that some people were healed. Jesus comes along and finds him there and asks him if he would like to be made well. The man responds by saying he can't get into the pool. In other words, he's sort of hinting to Jesus please can you help me get into the pool. 

Talk about your sweetest frame - Jesus is standing before him! Jesus the son of God who was there with the Father in the beginning, who helped create the world and flung stars into space. He puts his trust in some pool. Ok, so it's easier for us reading the account to see the irony as opposed to this man who didn't know who Jesus was but I think it's a very valid message for us. Jesus doesn’t help him to get into the pool, which symbolises what the man thinks he needs in order to be healed, rather he tells him, "Stand up, pick up your mat and walk!" Instantly, the man was healed!' 

What is your pool today? What is the thing you are hoping for or looking to for your sense of assurance or affirmation? What is the thing you think if you get you’ll be happy? What is it you think will heal you?

What is your sweetest frame? What are you leaning on today?

My word of hope and encouragement to you is this: realise that Jesus is standing before you asking you if you want to be made well. Jesus wants to help you, to heal you, to restore you, to guide you, to love you, to encourage you, to bless you, to inspire you, to forgive you, to set you free. There are lots of good things in our life, lots of sweet frames that are a source of blessing and comfort, but ultimately let us trust in Jesus as the one we wholly lean on. The one who achieves for us our righteousness.

God bless people, hope you have a wonderful week!

Here is a link to the song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QvLxZEU02uI

What's It Got To Do With You, Lord?

Some days everything seems to go right. You wake up feeling sunny and know you have a great day ahead of you. Your plans come together and everything just works.
Other days, like the day I'm having today, you wake up and wish you hadn't. The world doesn't feel a very friendly place to be and you suddenly realise you're not a particularly wonderful person either. I don't want to do life today.

This isn't the post I wanted to write today. I wanted to write about cake. I had a nice little story planned that would allow me to avoid talking about anything uncomfortable. I think I preferred this blog when God didn't make me be honest about my bad points.

I've been a bit cross with God this weekend. He keeps asking me to do things I don't want to do, and He won't do as He's told.

And I have no idea where this post is heading. Because I am not the leader. And that annoys me.

On occasion, I truly act as if Jesus is Lord, and obey Him without question. And, unsurprisingly, things usually work out pretty well when I do that. But I am by nature a very bossy and stubborn person. I don't like being told what to do.
Who are You, God, to boss me around? What's it got to do with You?

Oh. Right.

This guy, right, invented the universe. Out of nothing. Just by saying so. He just said "Let there be stuff." And then stuff existed. And not just any old stuff. It was good stuff.
This guy, he looked at the stuff he had made, and he loved it. All of it. Even the people. Even the people that told him to get lost and they could manage perfectly well without him, thanks.
This guy, he watched as his people, the darling children he had made, fell further and further into pain and suffering, further and further away from him.
This guy, so broken-hearted was he, that he was willing to do anything to rescue his people, to be able to hold them close in his arms again.
This guy, though he was used to being enthroned on the clouds and worshipped by angels, came down into our world as a helpless child. He lived with us, as one of us, and felt what it was to be human. He knew friendship and joy, rejection and pain.
This guy, not content to just do a few miracles and give us some advice, let us, the people he created and loved, beat him, mock him, torture him and put him to death. He didn't even try to stop us.
This guy, he went down into the depths, bore all the guilt and shame and consequences of our sin, then chose to forgive us. To forgive us. By choice.
This guy, even death couldn't hold him down. So strong and mighty is he that he can take all of that, everything the world heaped upon him, and still get up again. He crushed death like a flea.
This guy, who conquered death and pain and tears and shame and all evil, didn't want to keep all this good stuff to himself. After everything we had done, even after we had rejected him, he invited us to share in his victory. To march alongside him as he waved the banner of truth and light and hope.
This guy, though he totally has no need to, gives us opportunities to take part in the healing of the world. To bring his heart to the people, to show his love, to continue to restore everything that was lost into the wholeness of his glory.

Who am I to say no to that?

So now I have reached the bottom of the page, I realise why I am not feeling great today. How many times have I said this just in the past two months of writing this blog? Too many. But it seems I have not yet learnt from my mistakes.
It's not about me. It's not about what I want. The amazing things that happen around me, that's not because of who I am. It's because of the incredible Lord and Saviour who delights in me and loves to see His Kingdom come. I cannot do any of this by myself, but only by His grace.

I am not a particularly wonderful person. I am certainly no better or more special than anyone else. But I have a wonderful God.

Easy Like Sunday Morning

Well, I had the most wonderful, lazy day yesterday. I didn't even wake up until about 9:30. Then I stayed in bed, in my pyjamas, on my laptop, all day. I did virtually nothing. True, I worked on my story, and I talked to a couple of friends, but nothing that required much effort. I just took it easy.

That's the sort of day that most people probably dream of when they hear 'Easy Like Sunday Morning' but that's not what I'm talking about today.

Last week I went on holiday with my mum and on Friday we visited a stately home. Just as we thought we were leaving, I spotted a spiral staircase. This made me very excited because I like stairs. And I got even more excited when I realised the stairs led to... a chapel. The conversation went something like this:
"Look, Mum, curly stairs!"
"Yes dear."
"Oh, wow, a chapel! I want a chapel! If I ever build a house like this, I'll make sure I have a chapel."
"That's a good idea. Then you wouldn't even have to leave the house to go to church."
"Umm... well... I don't anyway, really... cos of, like, omnipresence and stuff."
Articulate as ever, as you can see.

Now don't get me wrong, I love going to church. You just turn up on Sunday morning and your friends are there and God is there (and if you're lucky cake is there) and you have a really cool time. Unless you're on staff, it's easy. All you have to do is be there and let it happen. You go to the place where God is and then God comes to you.

I find it easier, on Sunday mornings, with everyone around me doing the same thing, to talk to God, to feel His presence. Church is the place where I can always find God, no matter how absent He seems in the rest of my life.

But a church is just a building. Mine isn't even a proper church. It's a sports hall. Instead of stained glass windows and paintings of saints, we have basketball hoops on the walls. Yet still I get that feeling that church is the place to worship God, the place to hear from Him. Because on Sunday mornings, it's easy.

Today isn't Sunday. And I'm not at church. But God is no less here, no less now. God doesn't live in a box. He is everywhere. He is as much in the floor as He is in the ceiling. You can experience God on your way to work, when you're in the shower, when you're shopping, when you're painting your nails and when you're biting them. There's no limit to the times and the places that God can show up, because He is already there.

My prayer for you is that you would learn to make every day - even Mondays - easy like Sunday morning. The more you seek God, the more you will find Him. The more you expect to see Him working in your life, the more you will spot His little miracles. God is not just at church, He is in every little detail.

Cos of, like, omnipresence and stuff.