A Wretch Like Me

Hello and welcome from a very celebratory little holiday. After a number of years' absence, I'm back at the New Wine/Soul Survivor/Momentum campus. And we are particularly celebrating because two days ago was my eighth re-birthday. In this place, on the 24th of August 2005, I gave myself over to the Lord and began my new life as a Christian. And that was an awesome day. What a great opportunity I've had this week to return to the site of that transformation and celebrate it again.

I was an emotional wreck at that time. My life had fallen apart to the extent that I could not imagine it being put back together. It was irredeemable. I spent most of the week here weeping. There was a lot of pain in me that needed to be dealt with, a lot of healing to be done. And boy was there healing. The Lord picked up the tiny fragments of me and began to seal them back together as only He can. And as that happened the tears I wept became tears of joy. Never before or since have I experienced such relief.

But life is a journey, and not everything was put right on that one day. Healing is most commonly a process and so my walk with God after that time continued to involve many a tear, many a desperate prayer for help. And He always answered me. Not always in the timing or the method that I expected, but always with gentleness, grace and love.

The path I followed in the coming years was not always the straight and narrow, but I always had God at least at the back of my mind. Sometimes I let Him lead me and sometimes I didn't, but wherever we went we went together.

And so I reached this point, eight years on, where I considered myself pretty sorted. I was preparing for this holiday to be a fun time to hang out with friends, learn about God, and do some dancing in the rain. I was expecting to be quite relaxed, since I was in a much better place than the first time I came.

If you'd asked me before this week, I'd have told you I was in a pretty good place. I mean, I was doing all the right things, and not too many of the wrong things. I must be a good and inspirational Christian because look at all the awesome things I'm doing for God. I even write a blog about it, for goodness sake. I have returned from my wanderings and set the record straight. Most of the major "issues" in my life had been sorted long ago and any lingering problems were really quite minor. Me and God were doing good, and life was pretty rosy.

So consequently I was expecting a nice, rational, relaxed experience with God this week. No more need for sobbing and arguing and difficult things, because all that was sorted.

How wrong I was. I was ashamed to realise on the first night that I am still an emotional wreck. Apparently I don't have it all together after all. Yes, the majority of the brokenness has been irrevocably fixed, but some of it still remains. I was embarrassed to still be such a mess in front of (and towards) people I like to think I am okay.

Because beneath it all I still want you to think I'm okay. Though I'm sure it was much more obvious to everyone else than it was to me, it was humbling to have to admit that I still have failings. Maybe you know more ways than I do that I am imperfect. I am sorry if those things have hurt you. But I had genuinely believed that things were pretty fine and dandy. Though I would never have voiced it, part of me wondered if I still needed God the way I did when we met.

How wrong I was. I'm still a mess. A big sobbing, hurting, sinful mess. There is a long way to go before I attain perfection.

But what I've come to realise this week is that that's okay. God knew what a mess I would become when He created me. He knew what a mess I was when He saved me. And He knows what a mess I still am today. And He loves that mess that is me. Not just the wonderful clean person He knows I will become in the end, but the messy, disobedient, not-yet-perfect that is me.

It is not the healthy that need a doctor, but the sick. And how terrible it is for the sick that think they are well. The ones that think they do not need the doctor but inside are consumed with infection. It's important, I think, to pop in for a check-up every now and then, just to be sure. There is not one of us who doesn't need Him.

To those of you who feel you are too ill to be in the doctor's presence, that He would look down on you and your germy, dirty soul, I say this: Nothing is incurable to the Healer of the world. He came for messes such as you, such as me. God so loved the world that He sent His one and only Son to rescue it. The whole world, not just the nice presentable bits but the messy bits as well. He loves you even in your mess.

If you are hurting and you need God's help, ask Him to come and heal you. He is always there waiting for you to say yes. To realise how much more there is He can give you.
If you are sorted and you don't need God, ask Him to come and heal you. He is always there waiting for you to wake up and see what He sees. To realise how much more there is He can give you.

God loves me in my mess. He sees past it to the daughter He created and cherishes. He loves me even when I think I don't need Him. He sees past it to the daughter He created and cherishes.

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me.

Whether I know it or not, I am a mess and I will continue to be a mess until I reach Heaven. But even within that, He reached out to me, and continues to reach out to me, to raise me up above the mess, and hold me in His arms. 
How amazing is that love.

I Don't Like Horses

I've had a bit of a strange week this week. The lovely Laura Robin filled in for me last Monday because I was on holiday. I was volunteering at a children's horseriding Bible camp. That sounds an odd mix but it worked really well. We spent the days at the stables, with lunchtime Bible studies and evening worship meetings and activities. The kids had a great time. For most of us, it was a holiday that combined all the best things in life. But not for me.

You see, the problem is... I don't like horses. Not just that they're smelly and I kind of got bored after a while, but I was absolutely genuinely terrified of them. Luckily I wasn't expected to ride one, but I didn't even want to go near the things.

Now don't get me wrong. I enjoyed every minute of the camp that didn't involve horses. Even some of the horse-filled minutes, once I got a bit braver and was willing to stroke their noses and groom them a little bit, were kind of fun. And the people, the people were all amazing and I loved being with them. But there is no way that I would choose to spend my holidays at a stable.

So what on earth was I doing there, I hear you ask. And rightly so. I wondered that a couple of times myself. It would take too long to explain the complicated chain of events that led to me working on a horseriding holiday, but the short version is this:

That's where God wanted me to be.

Another strange part of my week was church on Sunday morning. 
Now let me just explain something before I continue...
> How you know you've won a normal argument:
You get the outcome that is most convenient and of greatest benefit to you.
> How you know you've won an argument with another Christian:
You get the outcome that is least convenient to you and of greatest benefit to the other person.

So a Catholic, a Protestant and a Whatever-I-am decide to go to church together. And I totally won this argument. We ended up at a High Anglican church about an hour away from my house, complete with incense and sung responses. No offence meant to anybody, but it was weird. So totally different from the way I'm used to church being.

I must admit that, to most people, my church is the weird one. But it's what I'm used to. To me, it's normal. So when I went to this one yesterday morning, it felt strange. I mean, I knew God was still there and everything, but it was hard to... connect. I found it awkward doing church their way. I so much more enjoy worshipping my way.

But worship is not for me to enjoy. I mean, yes, God wants us to praise Him joyfully. And usually I do enjoy it. But that's not its purpose. Its purpose is to bring pleasure and glory to Him. It's not about whether we're using our preferred version of the liturgy, or if the music is in our favourite style. It's about Him.

So that brings me back to my original point. It's great when God asks us to do things that we want to do anyway. I love singing and so I love it that He's put me in a choir. But what about when He sent me to the stables? Can I turn round and say actually I don't want to follow Him there?

It's easy to de-spiritualise the tasks we don't want to do. God is in church and in the happy time I spent in the park, but is He in the hoovering and the stressful journey to work and in the children who wouldn't go to sleep til midnight? Of course He is. Your whole life is a service to the Lord, not just the things you choose to dedicate to Him. Go out and live your life as if every second of it is for Him. The washing up, the arduous report, whatever it may be. Because if we give our lives over to God, we mean all of it.

Maybe I don't like horses. But I love Jesus more.

I dare not trust the sweetest frame

Hi there! Helen has asked me to write today's inspiring blog as she is away. I realise now, faced with an empty page, how daunting this must be for her. I had intended to plan something to write yesterday but got a bit distracted by a romantic comedy-athon with my housemates! However I think this is for the best as I probably would've got carried away and written an essay and maybe not be as led by God as I should be. 

What I would like to share this morning are a few lines from a song 'Cornerstone' which is an old hymn that has been rewritten by Hillsong. It is a song that has been a great comfort to me this year as it's all about trusting God in the midst of trials and suffering.

I don’t feel at all qualified this morning I should say. After coming back from New Wine and some great teaching, I have felt under attack from the enemy this past week. It figures, you find yourself in a good place with God, he hates it and will do anything to drag you down. So he has been prodding me where it hurts and I have been fighting some unpleasant thoughts and feelings this week. One of the films my housemates and I were watching yesterday was ‘Bride Wars’ which is about two best friends competing to have a better wedding than the other, which causes a breakdown in their friendship. It is a ridiculous film but despite that, it actually made me feel quite bad watching it, as it showed me how ugly sin can be that sometimes we can turn against the ones we love because we feel insecure and unloved. I feel very sad for some of the thoughts and feelings that have invaded my heart this week because I was feeling vulnerable. In short, I feel very aware of my sin and feel unworthy to be writing a post to you this morning.

Well fortunately, it's all about Him. It's all about Jesus.

The first line of the song 'Cornerstone' is this:

My hope is built on nothing less

Than Jesus' blood and righteousness

He is my hope. He is why I can have integrity in writing to you this morning. It is entirely about what he does for us that makes the difference, specifically what he did by dying for us. It is why we can tell the devil to get lost! Another line from the song is this:

Weak made strong in the Saviour's love

For some bizarre reason we not only often as humans believe that we have to be perfect in order to come to God but also we need to continue to be 'good' to stay in his presence. NO! Jesus said to the Pharisees he came for the sick not for the healthy. The irony of this was the Pharisees didn't see was they were equally as sick and in need of God's love and forgiveness for their coldness of heart as the people they condemned as 'sinners'. What Jesus means is that it is those who know that they need God and who pursue Him who will be healed and helped. The weak are made strong in his love. 

The line I love best in the song is this:

I dare not trust the sweetest frame

But wholly trust in Jesus' name

I like it because the choice of the words 'sweetest frame' is surprising. It can be a subtle evil to trust in the good things in our life. The sweetest frames. A frame being something you lean on for support. Perhaps the love of a family member or friend. Or the kind affirming words someone has posted on your Facebook page. Or success in an area of your life. All good things but not where we should place our trust. We need to trust in Jesus as the one who affirms us because it is through him that we are made right before God. We especially need to not trust in our own efforts to be good enough.

Let me put all this in the context of how Jesus responded to one man. In John 5, Jesus comes across a man who has been sick for 38 years. Imagine that. As my study bible says about him: 'Hygiene and mobility were impossible and he likely begged for a living from people who came to use the pool. His situation seemed hopeless'. He is sitting beside the pool of Bethesda. It is a special pool that they believed had healing qualities (something about an angel coming every so often and stirring the water up and whoever could get in the pool quick enough was helped…) I don't know if it actually worked or not but the man is determined to try it still after 38 years so it makes me think that some people were healed. Jesus comes along and finds him there and asks him if he would like to be made well. The man responds by saying he can't get into the pool. In other words, he's sort of hinting to Jesus please can you help me get into the pool. 

Talk about your sweetest frame - Jesus is standing before him! Jesus the son of God who was there with the Father in the beginning, who helped create the world and flung stars into space. He puts his trust in some pool. Ok, so it's easier for us reading the account to see the irony as opposed to this man who didn't know who Jesus was but I think it's a very valid message for us. Jesus doesn’t help him to get into the pool, which symbolises what the man thinks he needs in order to be healed, rather he tells him, "Stand up, pick up your mat and walk!" Instantly, the man was healed!' 

What is your pool today? What is the thing you are hoping for or looking to for your sense of assurance or affirmation? What is the thing you think if you get you’ll be happy? What is it you think will heal you?

What is your sweetest frame? What are you leaning on today?

My word of hope and encouragement to you is this: realise that Jesus is standing before you asking you if you want to be made well. Jesus wants to help you, to heal you, to restore you, to guide you, to love you, to encourage you, to bless you, to inspire you, to forgive you, to set you free. There are lots of good things in our life, lots of sweet frames that are a source of blessing and comfort, but ultimately let us trust in Jesus as the one we wholly lean on. The one who achieves for us our righteousness.

God bless people, hope you have a wonderful week!

Here is a link to the song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QvLxZEU02uI

What's It Got To Do With You, Lord?

Some days everything seems to go right. You wake up feeling sunny and know you have a great day ahead of you. Your plans come together and everything just works.
Other days, like the day I'm having today, you wake up and wish you hadn't. The world doesn't feel a very friendly place to be and you suddenly realise you're not a particularly wonderful person either. I don't want to do life today.

This isn't the post I wanted to write today. I wanted to write about cake. I had a nice little story planned that would allow me to avoid talking about anything uncomfortable. I think I preferred this blog when God didn't make me be honest about my bad points.

I've been a bit cross with God this weekend. He keeps asking me to do things I don't want to do, and He won't do as He's told.

And I have no idea where this post is heading. Because I am not the leader. And that annoys me.

On occasion, I truly act as if Jesus is Lord, and obey Him without question. And, unsurprisingly, things usually work out pretty well when I do that. But I am by nature a very bossy and stubborn person. I don't like being told what to do.
Who are You, God, to boss me around? What's it got to do with You?

Oh. Right.

This guy, right, invented the universe. Out of nothing. Just by saying so. He just said "Let there be stuff." And then stuff existed. And not just any old stuff. It was good stuff.
This guy, he looked at the stuff he had made, and he loved it. All of it. Even the people. Even the people that told him to get lost and they could manage perfectly well without him, thanks.
This guy, he watched as his people, the darling children he had made, fell further and further into pain and suffering, further and further away from him.
This guy, so broken-hearted was he, that he was willing to do anything to rescue his people, to be able to hold them close in his arms again.
This guy, though he was used to being enthroned on the clouds and worshipped by angels, came down into our world as a helpless child. He lived with us, as one of us, and felt what it was to be human. He knew friendship and joy, rejection and pain.
This guy, not content to just do a few miracles and give us some advice, let us, the people he created and loved, beat him, mock him, torture him and put him to death. He didn't even try to stop us.
This guy, he went down into the depths, bore all the guilt and shame and consequences of our sin, then chose to forgive us. To forgive us. By choice.
This guy, even death couldn't hold him down. So strong and mighty is he that he can take all of that, everything the world heaped upon him, and still get up again. He crushed death like a flea.
This guy, who conquered death and pain and tears and shame and all evil, didn't want to keep all this good stuff to himself. After everything we had done, even after we had rejected him, he invited us to share in his victory. To march alongside him as he waved the banner of truth and light and hope.
This guy, though he totally has no need to, gives us opportunities to take part in the healing of the world. To bring his heart to the people, to show his love, to continue to restore everything that was lost into the wholeness of his glory.

Who am I to say no to that?

So now I have reached the bottom of the page, I realise why I am not feeling great today. How many times have I said this just in the past two months of writing this blog? Too many. But it seems I have not yet learnt from my mistakes.
It's not about me. It's not about what I want. The amazing things that happen around me, that's not because of who I am. It's because of the incredible Lord and Saviour who delights in me and loves to see His Kingdom come. I cannot do any of this by myself, but only by His grace.

I am not a particularly wonderful person. I am certainly no better or more special than anyone else. But I have a wonderful God.