Brain, Brain, Where Have You Gone?

Something I could do today
Is write this post in verse
But trying to make things rhyme, they say
Just goes from bad to worse

For after hearse, adverse and purse
I could run out of words
And thus be left here with the curse
Of birds and curds and surds

So in fact I'll try to stop
If that is possible
And start the post now from the top
Instead in prose(-ible)
....................................................................................

As you may be able to tell, my mind is not really focussed this morning. It would rather be off writing poetry, or making up stories, or in fact just back in bed. And I'm running out of time in which to call it back into action. I'm far too busy to daydream.

I have a pretty good brain, when it decides to work, and I'm rather pleased with that. There are lots of compliments that I'll quibble with, but 'intelligent' is a name I'll accept. I am intelligent. I may act stupid sometimes, as we all do, but there's no denying I have a very juicy brain.

So where is my brain today, then, when I need it to be intelligent on demand? I stared at this blank page for at least half an hour before I got any inspiration. And even then it was a poem. I rely a lot on my intelligence to write this blog, and when it fails me I feel a bit lost.

Hang on a second. Cast your mind back to June, when I created my first proper post. Who am I supposed to be relying on to write this blog?

It's easier to rely on God for the things I can't do by myself. It is easier to ask Him to make up for my inadequacies in the areas that I don't feel I am strong. But I am intelligent. Why would I need Him to support me in my cleverness? Surely I can do that without Him.

Sometimes the positive labels we give ourselves are just as bad as the negative ones. I am intelligent and I am fat. Those are two facts about me, but neither of them define who I am. Let's not forget that our true identity comes not from our strengths or our weaknesses. Our true identity is who we are in Christ.

I am a lot of things. But first and foremost, I am a forgiven child of God.

Older And Wiser, But Still Living On A Prayer

I suppose I should kick off this post with the fact that yesterday was my birthday. Hooray for me! And I had a lovely day, thankyou for asking.

I have to admit that being older has not necessarily made me more sensible. I started my birthday with midnight cake and ended up staying up til 4:30am. Consequently, I'm pretty tired today (even though I ended the day with a much earlier night).

Thinking back to a year ago, however, I realise that I have grown up a lot. A lot of things, predominantly good things, have happened in the past twelve months. God has moved me on a lot in my journey towards eternity.

And yet I just realised that every sentence in that paragraph involved the phrase "a lot". And I'm not sure how to punctuate that. My brain is clearly not at its best today. This is certainly not going to be the most well-written post I have ever made either.

So what vaguely inspiring, God-themed thoughts can I draw from the misty recesses of my mind this morning? That today, when my thoughts are foggy and I'm wondering how I'm going to drag myself out of bed, I'm aware of how much I rely on Him. 

The prayer I prayed when I woke up this morning went something along the lines of:
Dear God,
Somehow, please help me to make it through the day, without screwing everything up, and lead me safely back to bed as soon as possible.
Amen
Except I'm pretty sure the words I used were not nearly so coherent (good thing I was talking to a mind-reader).

When I'm not a sleep-deprived zombie, I have this bad habit of thinking I can manage. I hope by now you've noticed that I'm quite a good writer. So some mornings when I do my blog, I can confidently trot out an eloquent and intelligent post without too much effort. But today, when I'm struggling to string a sentence together, I realise how much I actually need God. He's not just a handy accessory to bring out on a Sunday morning, but the very reason I can continue to live and breathe. Whether I am in the mood to think that or not.

I am older than I've ever been before, and (believe it or not) much wiser than I was a year ago, but oh how I still need my God to see me through. I am truly, every day, living on a prayer.

I'm In Your Hands

King of love and grace
My Guardian
All my hopes and fears
Are in Your hands
I'm in Your hands

This week I have been talking a lot about the future. About my career plans and dreams of having a family. I've begun to firm up ideas on what I would like out of life, and that is scary. Because I am daring to hope.

Sometimes, when we want things to happen and we invest in our dreams, our hopes get dashed. But better that than to live without hope.

How can I have hope when things so often go wrong? I'll tell you. It's because of the God I rely on. It is in Him that I put my hope. And He does not disappoint.

"Oh yes he does!" I hear you say, "I've trusted God before and I didn't get what I was hoping for."
This is true. God does not always give us what we ask Him for. But:

Faith is not the belief that God will do what we want,

But the knowledge that He will do what is right.

In this post I am going to use two examples from my life at the moment: my house and my job. Both of these things were arranged for me by God, neither of them were what I had planned or expected, both of them have been far better than anything I had hoped for.

When I came back to my hometown, I had all these ideas of where I was going to live. I knew what I wanted, but I told God I trusted Him to sort it out. And lo and behold, every single one of my plans fell through. And, being human, I despaired. I railed at God, telling Him He didn't know what He was doing, asking Him how He was ever going to sort it out.

But then He did. Less than a week later, I found out about a couple of people I barely knew who were looking for a lodger. They were not on my plans list. They were not even on my friends list. But it was so clearly here that God planned for me to be. He chose not to follow my plans, but came up with His own. And who do you think has better ideas?

You go before me
You're there beside me
And if I wander
Love will find me
Goodness and mercy
Will always follow
You go before me
My Guardian

The second example is my job. I wasn't even looking for a new job when I saw this advert. But once I'd seen it, I knew I wanted it. It didn't fit in with my plans, but God prepared the way for me and it has been amazing, far better than anything I ever hoped for.

So I ask you this: 

What is it that you are hoping for? In whom do you put your hope?

Trusting yourself to sort things out is great until you mess it up. Trusting in God, however, will see you true. You may not get what you expect, but you will get what is best. Put yourself in God's hands, and let Him carry you to places beyond your imagination.

I Am Strong, When I Am On Your Shoulders

Well good morning to you from what is definitely the wrong side of 7am. But despite the earliness of the hour and the coldness of the night, you will be pleased to hear I am back to my usual sunny disposition. I no longer feel like I'm falling to pieces.

It's been a hectic week. Back to work (hence the 5:00 alarm I ignored this morning), a manic rehearsal schedule, two performances barely 12 hours apart, not to mention the thing that I'm not going to mention (yes, I did that for dramatic effect). 
And through it all, whether I wanted to talk to Him or not, God has been there.

I think that's the key difference between my struggles now and my struggles in the past. You can put it down to maturity, or better coping strategies, or a stronger support network, or whatever you like, really, but I know that it is the strength of God that gets me through.

All of that stuff helps, of course. I am hugely grateful to all my friends, both new and old, who have supported me in the past two weeks. But that is never going to be enough. If I leant wholly on you, I would only end up breaking your back as well as my own.

My brain is not really functioning this morning. By rights I should still be in bed. But I am trusting God to cobble together some sort of message from this series of random thoughts. Because I can't do it on my own. Sometimes I think I can manage, but I end up falling on my face. Today, at least, I am very aware of how much I need Him.

Yesterday in church I performed a signed song, and it is the words of that song that are on my mind this morning.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas
I am strong, when I am on Your shoulders
You raise me up, to more than I can be.

That's the fact of it. I couldn't be anything like the amazing, wonderful person that I am (oh yes, I know it today) without God raising me up to be that. It is in Him that I find my strength. I think it is good for me to go through troubled times, in order that I will rely more closely on Him.

But I wish it didn't have to be like that. I wish I were more obedient and less proud, so that I didn't think I could get by without Him in the good times. I know I need Him now, but how long will that last? How long before I feel secure and decide to step away? I am only human and that time will inevitably come. How great is His grace that He will catch me again, no matter how many times I fall.

If you are weak and broken, like I was last week, ask Him to come and restore you. The hands that crafted the universe are able (and willing!) to put you back together. No one, however desperate you may feel, is beyond repair.

If you are strong and standing tall, check what your feet are on. If you are on the rippled sand of the Good Times Beach Holiday, you will be soon washed away when the tide comes in. Instead, plant yourselves firmly on the unshakeable rock of Jesus Christ. In Him you will find true strength.

He has raised me up out of the dust, and from this vantage point that I can be and do things that I would not be capable of in my own strength. Long may I remember that it is in His power and might that I act.

Weak

made strong

by the Saviour's love.

Vulnerable

I don't want to talk to you today. I've been re-reading the past few weeks' posts and I think I'd forgotten that the things I write up here are publicised for all the world to see. I don't want you to see me today.

Several times yesterday, I let my guard slip and gave people a glimpse of the things I don't want to be seen. Because people think I am open and honest, but there are deeper, darker parts of me that I always keep hidden. Things that will never see the light of a blog. I think (I hope) that I am not the only one who feels like this, but I still don't want you to see.

Letting people, even just one person, see this raw inner part of me would make me extremely vulnerable. And to be vulnerable with someone requires trust. I do not trust people easily. And I often have good reason.

When people hurt us, repeatedly, we start to toughen up. We build up an armour around our hearts, to stop us getting hurt again. We curse ourselves for our vulnerability and resolve never to be that weak again. Even if we were powerless to stop it, we blame ourselves. Because somehow we feel responsible. We shouldn't have let the other person hurt us. We shouldn't have let them get too close.

So we end up walking around in these big, clunky, psychological suits of armour. We put up barriers between us and the rest of the world, so that no one has the chance to hurt us again. The deeper the wound, the thicker we build our shields.

But it gets lonely in that box. The world can't touch us, but we can't touch the world either. Being strong, being tough, can be very isolating. If only there was someone we could safely let inside the armour. Someone we could trust enough to let the barriers down.

If you trust people, they will let you down. That is an inevitable fact of life. No human is infallible and eventually they will end up hurting you. Some people are worth the risk, some are not. We can't always tell which is which.

But God, He will not let you down. He is infallible. This, too, is a fact of life, but one that seems harder to accept. Sometimes, even trusting God feels like too big a risk. If all the other people have rejected us, why should God be any different? Because He is God, that's why. The very nature of God is unconditional love and forgiveness.

A suit of armour, especially one made by inexpert and trembling hands, is extremely heavy. Carrying it around, day in, day out, to protect yourself from the rest of the world, is exhausting. When the burden of this gets too much, I tend to make bad choices of who to trust, resulting in more hurt and yet another layer of metal.

But what I'm gradually learning is that I don't need to carry around this shield any more. There is another way. If you surrender yourself, God will come and clothe you with His armour. If you open up to Him, show Him the wounds you don't want the rest of the world to see, He will wash them clean. There's nothing to fear from being vulnerable with God. He sees the deepest darkest heart of you and still overflows with love. Nothing you did, or anyone else did to you, can ever make Him reject you.

I challenge you, today, to be vulnerable.
Be brave, take a risk, and step out into the arms of God.
He will not let you fall.