A Wretch Like Me

Hello and welcome from a very celebratory little holiday. After a number of years' absence, I'm back at the New Wine/Soul Survivor/Momentum campus. And we are particularly celebrating because two days ago was my eighth re-birthday. In this place, on the 24th of August 2005, I gave myself over to the Lord and began my new life as a Christian. And that was an awesome day. What a great opportunity I've had this week to return to the site of that transformation and celebrate it again.

I was an emotional wreck at that time. My life had fallen apart to the extent that I could not imagine it being put back together. It was irredeemable. I spent most of the week here weeping. There was a lot of pain in me that needed to be dealt with, a lot of healing to be done. And boy was there healing. The Lord picked up the tiny fragments of me and began to seal them back together as only He can. And as that happened the tears I wept became tears of joy. Never before or since have I experienced such relief.

But life is a journey, and not everything was put right on that one day. Healing is most commonly a process and so my walk with God after that time continued to involve many a tear, many a desperate prayer for help. And He always answered me. Not always in the timing or the method that I expected, but always with gentleness, grace and love.

The path I followed in the coming years was not always the straight and narrow, but I always had God at least at the back of my mind. Sometimes I let Him lead me and sometimes I didn't, but wherever we went we went together.

And so I reached this point, eight years on, where I considered myself pretty sorted. I was preparing for this holiday to be a fun time to hang out with friends, learn about God, and do some dancing in the rain. I was expecting to be quite relaxed, since I was in a much better place than the first time I came.

If you'd asked me before this week, I'd have told you I was in a pretty good place. I mean, I was doing all the right things, and not too many of the wrong things. I must be a good and inspirational Christian because look at all the awesome things I'm doing for God. I even write a blog about it, for goodness sake. I have returned from my wanderings and set the record straight. Most of the major "issues" in my life had been sorted long ago and any lingering problems were really quite minor. Me and God were doing good, and life was pretty rosy.

So consequently I was expecting a nice, rational, relaxed experience with God this week. No more need for sobbing and arguing and difficult things, because all that was sorted.

How wrong I was. I was ashamed to realise on the first night that I am still an emotional wreck. Apparently I don't have it all together after all. Yes, the majority of the brokenness has been irrevocably fixed, but some of it still remains. I was embarrassed to still be such a mess in front of (and towards) people I like to think I am okay.

Because beneath it all I still want you to think I'm okay. Though I'm sure it was much more obvious to everyone else than it was to me, it was humbling to have to admit that I still have failings. Maybe you know more ways than I do that I am imperfect. I am sorry if those things have hurt you. But I had genuinely believed that things were pretty fine and dandy. Though I would never have voiced it, part of me wondered if I still needed God the way I did when we met.

How wrong I was. I'm still a mess. A big sobbing, hurting, sinful mess. There is a long way to go before I attain perfection.

But what I've come to realise this week is that that's okay. God knew what a mess I would become when He created me. He knew what a mess I was when He saved me. And He knows what a mess I still am today. And He loves that mess that is me. Not just the wonderful clean person He knows I will become in the end, but the messy, disobedient, not-yet-perfect that is me.

It is not the healthy that need a doctor, but the sick. And how terrible it is for the sick that think they are well. The ones that think they do not need the doctor but inside are consumed with infection. It's important, I think, to pop in for a check-up every now and then, just to be sure. There is not one of us who doesn't need Him.

To those of you who feel you are too ill to be in the doctor's presence, that He would look down on you and your germy, dirty soul, I say this: Nothing is incurable to the Healer of the world. He came for messes such as you, such as me. God so loved the world that He sent His one and only Son to rescue it. The whole world, not just the nice presentable bits but the messy bits as well. He loves you even in your mess.

If you are hurting and you need God's help, ask Him to come and heal you. He is always there waiting for you to say yes. To realise how much more there is He can give you.
If you are sorted and you don't need God, ask Him to come and heal you. He is always there waiting for you to wake up and see what He sees. To realise how much more there is He can give you.

God loves me in my mess. He sees past it to the daughter He created and cherishes. He loves me even when I think I don't need Him. He sees past it to the daughter He created and cherishes.

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me.

Whether I know it or not, I am a mess and I will continue to be a mess until I reach Heaven. But even within that, He reached out to me, and continues to reach out to me, to raise me up above the mess, and hold me in His arms. 
How amazing is that love.