Vulnerable

I don't want to talk to you today. I've been re-reading the past few weeks' posts and I think I'd forgotten that the things I write up here are publicised for all the world to see. I don't want you to see me today.

Several times yesterday, I let my guard slip and gave people a glimpse of the things I don't want to be seen. Because people think I am open and honest, but there are deeper, darker parts of me that I always keep hidden. Things that will never see the light of a blog. I think (I hope) that I am not the only one who feels like this, but I still don't want you to see.

Letting people, even just one person, see this raw inner part of me would make me extremely vulnerable. And to be vulnerable with someone requires trust. I do not trust people easily. And I often have good reason.

When people hurt us, repeatedly, we start to toughen up. We build up an armour around our hearts, to stop us getting hurt again. We curse ourselves for our vulnerability and resolve never to be that weak again. Even if we were powerless to stop it, we blame ourselves. Because somehow we feel responsible. We shouldn't have let the other person hurt us. We shouldn't have let them get too close.

So we end up walking around in these big, clunky, psychological suits of armour. We put up barriers between us and the rest of the world, so that no one has the chance to hurt us again. The deeper the wound, the thicker we build our shields.

But it gets lonely in that box. The world can't touch us, but we can't touch the world either. Being strong, being tough, can be very isolating. If only there was someone we could safely let inside the armour. Someone we could trust enough to let the barriers down.

If you trust people, they will let you down. That is an inevitable fact of life. No human is infallible and eventually they will end up hurting you. Some people are worth the risk, some are not. We can't always tell which is which.

But God, He will not let you down. He is infallible. This, too, is a fact of life, but one that seems harder to accept. Sometimes, even trusting God feels like too big a risk. If all the other people have rejected us, why should God be any different? Because He is God, that's why. The very nature of God is unconditional love and forgiveness.

A suit of armour, especially one made by inexpert and trembling hands, is extremely heavy. Carrying it around, day in, day out, to protect yourself from the rest of the world, is exhausting. When the burden of this gets too much, I tend to make bad choices of who to trust, resulting in more hurt and yet another layer of metal.

But what I'm gradually learning is that I don't need to carry around this shield any more. There is another way. If you surrender yourself, God will come and clothe you with His armour. If you open up to Him, show Him the wounds you don't want the rest of the world to see, He will wash them clean. There's nothing to fear from being vulnerable with God. He sees the deepest darkest heart of you and still overflows with love. Nothing you did, or anyone else did to you, can ever make Him reject you.

I challenge you, today, to be vulnerable.
Be brave, take a risk, and step out into the arms of God.
He will not let you fall.